Not Again...

     “Okay.  I’m just going to check the right one, and then we’re all done.”
     That sort of tickles.

     “Hmm.”

     She doubles back over the same spot and makes tighter, more concentric circles.

     “Does that hurt?”

     “No.  I can hardly feel it at all.”

     See hovers for another moment.

     “Oh-kay.  I’m just going to send you for an ultrasound.  I found a small mass in your right breast, and just want to have it checked out.  There should be nothing to worry about since it is mobile and doesn’t seem to hurt.  I just want to have a closer look at it.  You can schedule the appointment on your way out.  You can get dressed now.”

     See exits the room, leaving me to my imagination.

     Should be nothing to worry about.  Easier said than done.  She said it as if she were suggesting a new restaurant. 

     A mass.  What the hell?

     To anyone, being told they have a mass in their breast would be terrifying.  For a cancer survivor, it is even worse.  You are warned and warned time after time that each medicine and treatment you take, a secondary cancer is a possible side effect.  You live day to day with the threat of a possible relapse or recurrence hanging over your head like a heavy dark shadow.  But you hope for the best.  What are your other alternatives?  You think: how can you be “lucky” enough to draw the short stick twice in one lifetime?  It won’t be me.

     It might.

     It seems now, clearer than ever, that my run of luck is not yet over.

     It could be nothing.

     I hope it’s nothing.

     It might not be nothing.

     Can I really handle this all over again?

     Would I survive this time around?

     I would I be one of the lucky round two cancer survivors?

     It could be nothing.

     It might be nothing.

     Only time will tell.

     One day at a time.  No one is guaranteed a tomorrow.  At least I had today.

     My life is not yet over.  I still have a lot of living to do.

     It could be nothing.

     It might be nothing.

     PLEASE be nothing!

A prayer for everyone who has dealt with a threat like that above: I wish you all the best.  That your worrying is for nothing, and that if it is not, that you have the love and support you need to get you through every trial.  Good luck, and may God be with you (even if you do not believe).