You Know You're Skrewed When:

Life could always get worse!

Feministic Funnies

Something I found that made me smile, and I thought you would too!

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3 kg.

The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.

Women blink twice as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance.

A woman has read this entire post. A man is still looking at his thumb! Repost if this made you smile =D

Philosophy Gem

     Appreciate what you have today, because in the blink of an eye it can be gone. There is no such thing as “I’m too young for this.” Love everyday and be thankful for the people who share it with you.

     I am fairly young.  Each time someone whom I went to school with is killed or becomes gravely ill, it brings me back to reality.  Two of my classmates have been hit by vehicles recently.  One was killed early in the morning by a tracker trailer truck, and the other was sent into a comma by a cab.  I just found out that the second just passed away.

     Life is so short.  Use it wisely, and PLEASE look both ways before crossing the street!  No one wants to lose you either!

Peep Fencing

     So Easter is over.  What are you going to do with all of those left-over Peeps?  They tasted okay during the season, but now that the holiday has passed, you feel sort of silly shoving a marshmallow chicken into your mouth (however cute they may be).

     So how do you get rid of all of them?  I am here to save you again!

     Two words: PEEP FENCING!!!  So we have all been told not to place marshmallows in the microwave.  If you have not learned by experience, microwaving marshmallows causes them to expand, the air cannot escape, and the candy explodes.  I am sure you can imagine how difficult it is to clean melted marshmallow off of the inside of a microwave.  Sticky!  If you do not believe me, do not say that I did not warn you!

     So the object of this is to have two Peeps fence in the microwave, the ultimate goal is to stop the time before they explode.  I realize this sounds COMPLETELY fun, right?

     What you will need: microwave, microwaveable safe plate, two (or more) Peeps, two (or more) toothpicks.

     What you do: 1) Stick a toothpick into the belly of each Peep. 

2) Place the two Peeps about an inch away from each other on the plate, with the bellies facing each other (but not so that the toothpicks are touching the other Peep.  They should be stuck in far enough were as they are protruding from the Peep, but not far enough so it is touching the other marshmallow.  If you need to move the Peeps apart, do so, just not too far.)

3) Put the plate in the microwave, and put the microwave on for no more than ten seconds. 

4) Whichever Peep pokes the other first with their toothpick is the WINNER! (If there is no winner after ten seconds, try moving the next Peeps closer together, or add more time on the clock.  Watch the Peeps closely, and if you think they are getting too big (because they expand, that is how they poke each other), STOP the microwave IMMEDIATELY!

     Have fun, but be smart.  Never put metal in the microwave (or the plastic such as from the Peep wrapper).  If you are too young to use electrical appliances, ask an adult to help you.  Happy fencing!

Happy Easter!

Enjoy your chocolate bunnies and Easter egg hunts!

Wasteful

     Our planet is at the breaking point.  We can no longer live the way we have been, and assume that our children will clean up after us.  We are in way over our heads.
     I am not going to throw statistics about global warming at you right now…mostly because I do not feel like researching the exact numbers.  But they are bad.  If you do not believe me and my “convincing” argument, look them up for yourselves.  Why else do you think we have been having such drastic winters and summers, not to mention earthquakes and tsunamis such as the ones in Chile, Haiti, and Japan?  Our world is changing, and if we do not do anything to stop it, who knows what the consequences will be.  You thought “The Day After Tomorrow” was bad?  This is happening today.
     What you SHOULD be doing (no longer "could" be doing at this point):

     Shut the lights off:  When you are done with a small appliance or leaving a room, turn off and unplug.  Something such as a laptop does not need to remain plugged in 24/7.  What do you think that battery is for?  Not only does over charging damage the battery, it wastes energy.  There is so much wasted energy just because people leave their lights on and their cell phone chargers pluged in when they are not in use.  If you don't need it at the moment, cut the power source.

Duck Crossing!

May you have all of your ducks in a row, just make sure you keep an eye on them!

Brilliant Idea

     Have you ever left the oven on after you were done using it?  I think that there should be an automatic shut-off on all ovens.  If neither the dials nor the door is opened within an hour, the oven should turn itself off.  Or when the timer goes off, it should turn off the oven.  If you add more time to the timer, it will keep the power on longer.

     It would be a safety precaution.  I live in a building with a common kitchen, and we awoke to find that the oven had been on all night at 350 degrees Fahrenheit.  If it had an automatic shut-off, that would not have happened, and there would have been no worry of a fire (which thankfully there wasn’t one THAT time).
     I also think that the burners should be weight sensitive (as the rest of America is).  If there is no pot or pan on it, it should turn off automatically.  How many times have we turned on the wrong burner?  Or is that just something I do?

     Just food for thought.

Hair Today...

     “It’s all going to go eventually.”

     “But I need to hold to what I can as long as I can.”

     “Here?”

     “Yes.”

     Tracy snipped through the ponytail so effortlessly.  I felt a weight lifted from me as the last tie to normalcy was cut.  There would be no going back, and yet these were the tides of time I had no hope of fighting. 

     Within seconds I gazed up to see Tracy holding my ponytail up for me to see in the mirror.  It was a perfect metaphor for how disconnected I felt from my own life: looking through the mirror at hair that should be attached to my body. 

     “You have cancer.”

     Who could prepare you for that? 

     Tracy was right; it would all go eventually.  My hair has always been my best feature.  Whoever says it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all has never lost anything they truly love.  If you do not know what you are missing, how could you miss it at all?  If you know what it is like to love something, it hurts all the more when you have to watch it slipping away.

     It wasn’t just that I was going bald; bald can be beautiful.  Each strand that fell from my head, made me realize how much sicker I was getting.  If that follicle had given up its fight, what was to stop the rest of my body from doing the same?

     Each morning as I arose from my pillow, less and less of my hair would join me for the rest of my day.  The mere threat of washing my head in the shower made another 50 strands commit suicide down the drain.  Brushing quickly was reduced to combing, and even then I was able to do most of it without touching my head at all. 

     I don’t think this loss would be so hard, if I had someone to help cushion the blow.  This is a battle that should not be fought alone; the support of a family and friends help carry the burdens of cancer.

Comic Corner

Laughter is the best medicine?

HOP

     HOP is the tail of the Easter Bunny’s teenage son, E.B., who would rather become a famous drummer than take over the family business of Easter.  E.B. runs away before he is to assume the responsibilities of the Easter Bunny to chase his musician dream, and finds himself lost in Hollywood. 

     He stumbles across Fred O’Hare, an unemployed slacker who refuses to make anything of himself.  Fred begrudgingly takes E.B. in after he hits him with his car, and he helps him go after his dream of becoming a drummer.

     Back on Easter Island, where the magic of Easter happens, E.B.’s father is freaking out since the holiday is only days away.  Without his son to take over, the holiday may cease to exist the way we know it.  It turns out that Fred may have a purpose on this planet after all, and becomes more than a friend to E.B.

     I thoroughly enjoyed this movie.  It gets 9 out of 10.  It was cute; definitely a good family film.  The animals were computer generated as Alvin and the Chipmunks were, and as cute as could be.  I was so engulfed in the movie, I accepted without question that these animals could talk and act like people.  Then again, so did many characters in the movie.  E.B. meets David Hasselhoff, who says he is not surprised a rabbit could talk.  After all, his best friend is a talking car!

     HOP is rated PG and runs 95 minutes.

The Bible through a Child's Eyes

A child was assigned to write a book report on the Bible.  This makes you wonder how children understand what we teach them.  To cover something for the sake of covering it is one thing, but if they understand it or not is another.

This made me laugh.  I hope it does the same for you.

Through the eyes of a child:
 

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

“In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eatin'.

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.
He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.”

See the world through a child’s eyes.  It is so much more fun that way (and simple, too).

The End

THE MHS LIP DUB: FIREWORK

     This is so cool.  This school coordinated this, and did this all in one take.  I have trouble putting my shoes on the correct feet every morning.

Atheists

This is a real sign on a church:

If only it were that simple.

Justin Bieber Singing Happy Birthday

  

     The American Cancer Society is the Official Sponsor of Birthdays.  In order to raise money and awareness about this and cancer in general, they have been having artists singing and doing artwork.  Seeing as it is my birthday today (yes I was born on April Fool’s Day), and I am a cancer survivor, I thought I would post one of the music videos.  Although I never saw myself as appreciating Justin Bieber, he does one of the nicest presentations of "Happy Birthday," and brings me to tears every time.  And yet, whenever I hear the song I cry, because "Happy Birthday" truly is a victory song.

Bone Marrow Registry

     My birthday is today.  Instead of flooding my mailbox with gifts and love notes (because I know you all were on your way to go shopping), I have a request for you to do.  For my birthday, I would like everyone who is eligible to join the bone marrow registry.  It does not take long, and is as painful as taking a cheek swab sample and filling out some paperwork.  There are no needles unless you are determined to be someone’s perfect match.

     This is the best sort of matchmaker on the market.  A perfect match will mean you are that person’s second chance at life.  You cannot get any sweeter than that.  You will single-handedly be a superhero to someone in this world.  With many diseases such as leukemia, a patient’s only hope of survival is to have a bone marrow transplant because their own is slowly killing them.  When you sign up on the registry, you cells will be on file and used to match a patient who is compatible with your marrow.

     If you are called back to donate (which you do not have to at any point), you will directly be saving that person’s life.

     Every person should look into registering, but there is a significant shortage of minorities registered.  That makes it that much more difficult to find a match for someone of their heritage.  All the more reason to get everyone you know to join.  You never know who you may know who will need a transplant one day.  Let us help each other so no one is left out in the cold.

    See this page to join: http://www.marrow.org/JOIN/index.html?src=tabjoin

    Or explore the site for more information: http://www.marrow.org/index.html